Why I don't say No

I don't say, "No". And some of you out there are adamant that "no" is necessary and kids should hear this word. I have emergency stop cues and body blocks. I make sure the pups know to take their "cues" from me. I asked them to check with me when we are out and they respond to me. But I do not get into a battle of "no". I try not to do it with dogs, kids, spouses etc. Why? Learning theory, Dale Carnagie, etc or they just don't hear the "no". Let me explain.

No one hears a no in a sentence. If I say, "I am not hungry." The focus of the sentence is hunger. Then it becomes whether or not I'm hungry. But the sentence does not say, "I'm full." Thus keep your statements direct. You can give a person/dog/etc directions of what not to do and still focuses on the unwanted behavior. It also pushes away from a behavior but doesn't direct toward a preferred behavior. "So don't do this. And I will let you guess and what I do want." The easier communication is to give direction toward the preferred behavior and speak directly. "Don't Jump!" Or "Sit". One is vague and focuses on the wrong element. The other is very clear on what we want to accomplish.

In dog training specifically, we call "no" training corrective training. This is negative and punitive. This focuses on what's wrong. Positive trainers train towards the desired behavior. We focus on the best imagined outcome and then train towards that possibility. It's not just the positive language, positive techniques but we use a positive focus on training solutions. We are not focused on jumping. We are focused on sitting in response to jumping. But the focus is as positive as the techniques and language.

Let's look at another example of focus in language. When we use "no" in a sentence with clients we affect the tone of our relationship. If the client makes a request and I respond with "no problem." On the surface, it sounds ok. But anyone in customer service knows... we don't use this language. We don't want to imply there was ever a "problem" with their request. Responses like "my pleasure" or "I'd be happy to" keeps the focus and the tone positive.

As a company working with clients, the dog owners, we said we were a "YES" company. And everyone warned us that we would be used and abused. But we were wiser. What makes us a yes company? Simply we don't say, "no". How can we operate like that? I don't mean that we never deny a request. I simply mean I don't say, "no" to a request. WHAT? "Kate, can we....?" Instead of no, I say what we can do. "We can do X, Y, Z. Which do you think will be the best option for you?" - Or - "Given these three options what is the I think we can find something to accommodate your request. Which will be the best fit?" See how I don't say no but I say what I can do. I stay focused on the clear options available. And I stay positive - "best", "accommodate", "options" etc. So I say that I always try to accommodate my clients and pups. I don't say "no"... I say "yes!"

Once I started the path, even just to be pragmatic, my thoughts become more positive. I became more directionally positive, not just happy and sunshine and roses. I work on speaking to my family/husband clearly and directly. I try not speak punitively to my nieces but coach and motivate them toward good preferred behaviors. With dogs, it's VERY clear that attention and positive training will help develop a well-balanced pup.

With clear results with animals from multiple species from across the spectrum, it's clear why the new frontier is clicker training doctors to perform surgery. If this is where scientist are going now, maybe we could learn a thing or two from a dog trainer about how to teach humans. Try taking a moment to observe the tone and focus of your own language and how you communicate. How often do you say "no"... and would the people/pups around you benefit from a "yes?"

Try a YES!